Courtney Fucking Love

Last Saturday I got a lead on the 6 fingered man so I followed it to the 930 Club in Washington, DC. My lead was bunk, he'd either left before I got there, or had never been there to begin with. The bartender, an old friend of mine named Wesley, bought me a large glass of Jim Beam with ice. I rarely drink these days, but when I do, I drink a pint of Jim Bean with 4 ice cubes. I was glad Wesley knew what I wanted without my having to ask because the band was loud and I was in no mood to yell.

There was an aging transvestite onstage singing for a band called Hole. When they went on set break I asked Wesley who the guy was. "That's no guy," he said "It's Courtney Love." Sensing I didn't know who he was talking about he explained, "Kurt Cobain's wife"

"The girl that killed him?" He shrugged unknowingly. I'd liked Kurt Cobain and never fully believed he'd killed himself. He was a sweet kid, though he couldn't write for shit. I remember one time he was working on a song he called 'Smells Like a High School Bathroom.' "No," I told him, "call it 'Smells Like Teen Spirit,' and change the words around to match."

"What's 'teen spirit'?" he asked.

"Fucked if I know, but that high school bathroom crap won't fly." I heard that song ended up selling a bunch of records for him before he died. I was glad for that.

Wesley thought me and this Courtney Love guy should meet. It took me about 4 minutes to drink my whiskey and I was hammered by the time we made it backstage. We walked through a cloud of smoke that burnt my nose like cocaine and fire, I could only imagine the source was a combination of the two.

I don't quite remember what happened after that. I know I freebased with Wesley and Courtney, and I know I woke the next afternoon to find Courtney licking my flacid penis, begging it to rise. I seized the opportunity and pissed in her mouth and eyes. "Why?" she asked.

"Because Kurt was my friend." She wailed in tears and I, having too harsh a headache to deal with the noise, hit her on the head with the but of my sword, knocking her out. I finished peeing on her face and hair, and I left.